Shattered

It's interesting what has been going in with me lately. I feel a change in the air, like when autumn's first bite of cold air starts to draw the summer season to a close. My heart and soul are sensing something and the Holy Spirit is doing some good work. I don't talk about it a lot, but my emotional torment has been pretty intense these past 9 years. I've been through some things that have completely torn me apart and shattered my heart into a million pieces. I've been dragged around and messed about and it totally wrecked some areas of my character, and I hate that it has had such a power over me. I feel like I've been fighting my whole life, trying to navigate my world the best way that I could, but finding hurt at every corner, sadness at every turn. As a result I've looked for acceptance and love in the wrong places. I think that's why I am so determined to be the best mother I can be. I strive to fix what has been broken in generations past. I am trying to let God guide me and let Him in to heal my half sewn up heart. I have an amazing life now, a husband who loves me completely, and two amazing children that, even now, I can't believe are mine. They are just so beautiful. And I have never been happier! Thanks be to God for blessing me so abundantly, for saving me from tragedy. I know only too well that it could have gone a very different way. But He saw me when no one else did, He took me in His arms and guided me with his soft touch. Though I did not know it at the time, I was very well taken care of. I'm crying now just at the thought of it.
The recent reconciliation with my sister has brought up so many things that I have buried. I've had to recount some of the mess that I lived through. So now I feel exposed and a little raw and need to let God do His work and start to heal me properly, in the way only He can.